Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dying...living.

I just love it when life gets more complicated.

I ran into Jason today. At first I couldn't talk to him...I haven't seen him since before we broke up. I'll say this...I definitely broke up with him too soon. Yes we were having our issues and I have my eating disorder, but right now we are both exploding on the inside and we can both obviously see it in each other, but we won't do anything about it. It's like there's a paper-thin glass wall separating us, and neither of us has the strength to break it. What a joke.

I had 580 calories today and I'm going back to veganism. My skin always turns kind of gray when I cut out all meats and dairy, but it's worth it. So much less fatty fried temptation this way.
I'm home alone once again tomorrow, but I'm planning a rigorous workout routine to make it worthwhile. Nobody will be around to say I'm pushing myself too hard or being obsessive.

I feel like I'm dying a little every day I have to stay fat. Everywhere I go, mirrors are screaming at me to put a bag over my head, or even better, my whole body. Nobody should have to look at my horrific existence. People say that anorexia kills. Well I'm dying right now, every day the number on the scale stays the same.

Here's some thinspo...a girl I actually know from school. Is it creepy of me to be browsing her modeling photos? Perhaps, but she's a twig, so I'll blame it on my psychological fucked-upedness of having an eating disorder. Her thinness gets my attention, I can't help it.

~Kaye















5 comments:

  1. OMG! You're absolutely right. The people who say anorexia kills don't understand that health kills us too!

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  2. Health does kill us too. :/ sad, but true. people just have to understand that.

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  3. Hey thanks for reading my blog! I agree with what everyone is saying. Being healthy doesnt matter..lots of healthy people get sick and die off easily..I'm going to stick with what I know.

    I Look foward to your next post lovely <3

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  4. i actually browse facebook photos of my skinny friends for thinspiration. it's not creepy at all in my eyes!

    stay strong
    xoxoNikkioxox

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  5. Hi, you left a comment on my blog a while ago.Sorry I didn't respond, I'm not very active. xP

    Anyways, yeah I do that too. I think of my pretty and thin friends who seem to have everything, and it helps me not eat. Heheh, who cares if it's creepy? THEY won't know!

    ^uber creepy omg. -_-

    But yeah. Good luckkk!

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