Monday, January 11, 2010

Awake

I'm back at school now...and already I can't sleep.

I don't have a roommate right now, and I love the solitude. I don't know what I'll do if I get one...it would be so hard to hide my eating disorder and in some ways, a roommate can be worse than a family when it comes to concern for my wellbeing. I had this girl last year who was always on my case about eating. Every fucking night she would grill me about what I had eaten that day. Most of the time I told half-lies, telling her I had eaten pizza when I had only taken half a crust from someone's leftovers. She saw through it though the smaller I got. She requested to not share a room with me this year for that reason. But like I said, I like it this way.

I love being able to go where I want, when I want. I love being able to sit up at 2 in the morning, drinking coffee and watching episodes of A&E's Intervention, the ones featuring anorexics. These girls are my heroes...partly because they succesfully got super skinny and partly because they were able to recover. Watching their habits is definitely enabling me to get worse, but that's my choice.

Classes start tomorrow, so I should be sleeping. But all I want to do is sit on the sill of my open window, smoking and kicking my feet to burn calories as the nicotine and coffee give me jitters. I'm not going to lie, I know I'm depressed. But this quiet environment of solitude and destruction and emptiness makes me happy. If not happy, content at least.

It's enough.

My dad cooked waffles for my brothers and me this morning, as a send-off before we returned to our various universities. I had 1 1/2 waffles and approximately 1 tbsp of lite syrup. 2 leftover raisin cookies and a snack of baby carrots. By 10:30 AM I was done eating and when I got to school, I promptly performed 30 minutes of aerobics and took a walk around campus for 2 hours. I burned about 600 calories...that should at least match my intake for the day. I'm kicking myself for not being more precise, but starting tomorrow I'm taking a log of everything I eat and the calories in it, something I've been slacking on since I got home from school.

I'm excited to get into a rhythm, a routine. I want numbers and notebooks and eating plans. My day planner is at the ready for studying and exercise. Now that I've recommited to weight loss, this should be easy and fun. Is it really so wrong of me to find comfort in an obsession with thinness? Everyone bashes girls with eating disorders for being stupid and miserable. But this is the one thing keeping me sane. How on earth is that miserable?

Stay strong everyone,

~Kaye

6 comments:

  1. your post truly resonates with me!

    i recently moved out of my parents' home. no roommate. all alone. sometimes lonely and depressed. but yes. i like it. like you said, the freedom to do whatever you like when you like is incredible. the other day i went for a walk at midnight. just because i can.

    i too watch intervention episodes late at night... lovely inspiration. but it scares me that i could end up screwing up every relationship in my life because of this - that i'll push away everyone who loves me.

    i definitely love the numbers and plans. mmm. so stoked to get started. class starts tomorrow for me as well. my sleep schedule is really screwed.

    and yes. it's ok to find comfort in this. it works. good for you for being strong in this!

    you seem familiar to me. thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    much love. good luck with classes tomorrow.

    laur.

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  2. That's weird. Most schools start classes next week. Your school, and your brothers school started today? This blog is looking fishy. Who are you really?

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  3. My brothers left the same day as me because their schools are farther away from home and they want to get settled...I am in-state. Their classes do start later. I don't know where you are from, but several of my friends at other schools are starting again today. Who are YOU really? lol

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  4. you're so lucky to be out on your own! it makes life a lot easier when you have more independence. i know you're going to do great. stay strong! xoxoNikkioxox

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  5. when i read your post about cycling through various EDNOS before coming to ana i knew exactly what u meant. i too have gone between disorders but feel ana returning. last year i was hospitalized for recovery, but it only brought out mia and BED...not recovery at all. i am obsessed, and hearing you admit you are 2 makes me feel like i have an ally. thx. stay strong.

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  6. Not to be rude, but you certainly did not burn 600 calories. Even the most intense aerobic exercise only burns around 500 calories and hour, and walking burns around 175 per hour.

    Unless you were walking for two hours straight, I doubt you burned 600 calories.

    Probably more like 350...

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