Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Thinking out loud...

It's raining in the city again...I forgot how rainy it is back at home. At school it's cloudy a lot of the time, but not downpourish. Anyways John and I are stuck in a little cyber cafe hiding out from the weather. I know I posted this morning, but thoughts have been moving frantically through my head ever since I last wrote, and I need to write again.

First things first...lunch was a success. It worked out perfectly, I couldn't have planned it better. John and I were seated in a covered picnic area (how the hell we managed to find a picnic area in the city is beyond me), the weather surprisingly warm for this time of year. I distributed the lunches between us and pulled my apple out first. I pushed my thumb into it and watched it ooze rotten apple guts. Holding it up to John I said "eww, yuck." He made a face and offered his apple to me for consolation. I shook my head, "I hate red delicious." He shrugged and took a bite.

I made my way over to a trashcan, walking slowly, weaving, enjoying the warm breeze (which would later turn into a near-hurricane haha), tossed the apple into a metal trashcan with a hollow *thunk* and walked back to John. Sure enough, he was already on his phone with Natalie his dearly beloved. I made a face at him and shooed him away, taking out my own phone pretending I was about to make a call. He got up and wandered about 30 feet away, laughing and kicking the grass as he went.

I instantly pulled apart my sandwich, leaving only a corner piece on my paper plate. I placed a few pieces of cereal on the plate to look like the last remains of my consumption. I wrapped up the remaining cereal in its bag, along with the sandwich, into a napkin and dashed over to chuck it all into a trashcan behind me. John never even turned around. He was on the phone for a good 20 minutes. Every time he turned, I held a piece of the leftover food to my mouth, pretending to bite. He came back with a grin on his face and dug in, barely glancing at my near-empty plate. He mumbled through mouthfuls about Natalie's Christmas at home and how much he missed her. I smiled, trying not to be jealous. Succesful relationships have never been my forte...but I'm glad my brother can do that in my stead. I'll stick to starvation.

Back to now...John is on his laptop across the table from me. I wonder what he's doing...but I won't ask. If I ask him then he'll ask me what I'm doing. And I can't exactly tell him. So we sit in silence, the only audible sounds are the faint tapping of our fingers against keys and cafe music mixed with rain pattering against the window.

Moving on...

I'm getting more and more scared of the impending events waiting for me at school (meaning the boy who wants to sleep with me - Shawn). Not only am I terrified of exposing my body, but this will be the first boy I've been with in any capacity since I left my last boyfriend, Jason. I don't think I was ready to leave him...but at the same time I had to. He knew about my eating disorder and he was trying to help me. He WAS helping me. I couldn't let it go on that way...

Then he seemed so far away all of the sudden. Every time I talked to him he was distracted. I know he's having a tough time of his own, his mom died of cancer around this time last year, maybe that was on his mind. I'm not sure. All I know is that I got distracted too. I lost sight of him.

I DO love Jason, with all my heart. I miss him so bad, it kills. I do like Shawn, but I'm scared to death to move on from Jason. But Shawn is a clean slate. He doesn't know about my eating disorder. He'll probably never suspect...especially if he sees my fat ugly body naked in his bed.

Why do guys always have fuck with your life? I should become a nun and fast for 7 years in penance for all my sins. If I was religious I would totally do it. But I can't imagine spending that much time in prayer. *shudder* I don't hate on religion or religious people, it's just not for me.

That is an idea though...an extended fast to cleanse my soul and memory. A final "I'm sorry," to Jason before my mind completely goes to pieces.

And thinness is just a great side-effect. I like it.

Rain's letting up, I'll talk to you all later.

~Kaye

5 comments:

  1. Hey! Thanks so much for your vote of confidence and your support! Turns out fasting isn't as difficult as it sounds...just has its moments, you know? Like during dinner with friends, when dessert is served, or when everyone breaks out the leftover sweets from Christmas for a snack...Chocolate covered pretzels in my face. Literally. But I've resisted! Thin is worth it.

    Thin is always worth it.

    I'm glad you liked that post..I was feeling poetic late last night, but upon rereading it I discovered that I apparently can't write all that well that late at night. :P I mean, I'm much much better than that poem made me out to be (and I don't mean that at ALL to be cocky...lmao...). I just meant...I don't think that particular post really did my poetic nature much justice. :P

    Speaking of writing, I've probably said it before, but I love the way you express yourself. Very descriptive, great imagery. I enjoy it immensely. :)

    Stay well, and once again, thanks for being there for me. ;)

    <3

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  2. I'd like to say "Follow your heart" but that sounds like it'd be next to impossible for you... Jason sounds like a rock, a really good solid boy. Ugh, your situation sucks!
    Shawn - fresh, clean slate.. But what if, things just feel wrong? Like his touch and his kiss? Hm.. Good luck!
    xo

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  3. Hi, I'm Frankie.
    Found your blog today, it's really wonderful.
    Congrats on your sneaky lunch skills.
    I wish I could offer you advice on your dilemmas but I am a social retard so I probably wouldn't be much good. :(
    Stay strong.
    Frankie x

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  4. thanks for your comment I really appreciate it.
    love your blog gonna follow it today.

    love you <3
    beautiful-lunacy.blogspot.com

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  5. Very clever! Ana would be proud!

    I know what you mean about successful relationships. I seem to have problems with those. The only one that was semi-successful, ended on my own account. Fear, I called it…
    However, the one GOOD thing about NOT being in a relationship, is that you are fully in the eye of ana, and some boy won’t take you away…thinness is ALWAYS a good side effect.

    ReplyDelete