Sunday, December 27, 2009

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen

Let me tell you my story.

I have been eating disordered since I was 14. First an over eater, then bulimic, then anorexic. The pressure was too much. Everything in my life screams that I need to be thin. The guys who want to fuck me are so skinny I can't stand the thought of being naked in front of them. It ruins my relationships. My family held an intervention for me some time back, and I nearly lost them when I refused help. I've had countless boyfriends come and go trying to help me get out of this. I cannot. I will not.

My highest weight ever was 170 lbs. I'm 5'9" and 19 years old. My lowest weight was 125 or so...2 years ago when I spent an entire winter starving and freezing myself into a size 3. I'm now somewhere in the middle of those two numbers, but I don't want to say exactly. I'm ashamed of how much I weigh since I've tried to eat again for my family and for my friends' sake. I've gained some of it back. Not enough to be the ugly fat whore I was before, but enough to wave goodbye to my skinny jeans and skin-tight knits.

I've experienced "help" and "recovery" and "healing" and all those empty phrases they use in the shrinks' offices. I've done my time in therapy and I thought it was a load of bullshit. I've even heard first-hand from anorexics who have "been there" and were telling me what a mistake I was making. But as far as I'm concerned, any anorexic who actually found recovery is no longer a part of my world. I can't relate to them because they found their way out...and they cannot relate to me because they don't understand why I haven't found mine yet.

I've been reading pro-ana blogs for a while, always inspired, always understanding. Posting comments anonymously, afraid to speak my mind. I think what drove me to start my own blog was the recent disappearance of Kat from "Quest for Perfection"...one of the best thinspirational blogs I ever read. Her blog was replaced with a half-baked message of recovery from her supposed sister Kate. I know Kat left for her own sake and for her sister, and I respect that. But in her leave we all need to find our own voices. I'm finding mine.

So here's hoping someone wants to read what I have to say. I'm tired of living a half-recovered, half-broken lifestyle. I want to wear thin like you wear a pretty dress (that's where I got the name for this blog)...showing thin off as your favorite outfit.

Wish me luck.

~Kaye

8 comments:

  1. i saw your comment on my blog. so, hello!

    i understand your desire to escape the 'half-recovered, half-broken' state... that's where i'm at. and it's brutal.

    so. please post more!

    laur.

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  2. I totally get that.
    Dude, I'm pissed out the loss of Kat as well! It's so not cool.

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  3. "any anorexic who actually found recovery is no longer a part of my world." -- I know what you mean! I've always felt that way and it's nice to see someone have put that in writing. And also, the whole Kat thing really bothered me, too! It just didn't seem legit and it's a bit worrisome.

    I can already tell that I'm going to like your blog a lot. Please keep using your voice. : )

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  4. I have a feeling I'll enjoy reading your blog. I'm desperate for something to keep me connected to ana whilst undergoing this irritating "recovery" phase. I look forward to future posts. x

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  5. Thank you for your kind words and for following my blog; I can tell that I'll really love reading yours as well. It's always so refreshing to find a real, honest, genuine soul out here in the ether of unreality...I've found more since I joined Blogger than ever before.

    We're in this together...and we *will* find Thin. She will be ours.

    <3

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  6. You sound a lot like Kat. Maybe you will replace her? I doubt that's possible. I am dying to know what happened with Paul.

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  7. I found it comforting to read your story. Ana has befriended me, and I am scared that they will take her away. That is what is stopping our way out. But how could we cope without our best friend?

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  8. Good luck Kaye! I'm glad I found your blog.

    And I agree with you about Kat's (now Kate's) blog.

    Be strong and stay lovely.

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