Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The beauty of lies

I hauled myself out of bed at 6:30 this morning and prepared for the day. Like clockwork, at 7am I woke my brother up (twin brother...let's call him John) and packed both of our lunches. For him, I packed edible food - a bag of greasy gross potato chips, a sandwich with calorie-loaded mayonnaise slathered on, a giant apple, a bottle of gatorade (310 calories per 12 ounces!).

For me, I packed a small apple that had been in the bottom of our fridge for god-knows-how-long...it's all shrively and gross to the touch but it looks fine from the outside. My sandwich is on an icky fiber-whole wheat cardboard bread that I hate with a single piece of turkey on it. And I packed a little snackbag of cereal just for good measure. Cereal is in fact the bane of my existence, I hate it in almost every capacity. This lunch should not test my willpower at all. And if I have to "eat" any of it while I'm with John, I can pull out the apple, find to my dismay "oh no! It's rotten!" and make enough fuss that hopefully I can stall until he's distracted by something else. Then it's goodbye yucky sandwich and shitty cereal.

After I packed our lunches, John wolfed down a breakfast of toast and cereal as I watched from across the kitchen, sipping my calorie-free coffee. I only ever put sweetener in my coffee. No cream, the calories are unnecessary. John didn't comment on my lack of breakfast...nobody ever does.

We're on the bus now heading into the city, I'm on my faithful old laptop. My computer that nobody is allowed to see, loaded with thinspiration and pro ana blogs in my "Favorites" folder.

This feels so right...the precise planning and trick-work of lying your way to thin. It's only a matter of time now... ;)

~Kaye

5 comments:

  1. I lie to everyone. About health, about school, about why my eyes are red from crying. I know they will find out. They always do.

    I love Ana more.

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  2. Sometimes this all just feels like an adventure, doesn't it? Almost like we're playing detective, creeping around from everyone, hiding away in our secret that makes us skinny and dizzy and high. And if you keep your secret well enough, no one gets hurt. : )

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  3. I'm actually really jealous of the amount of self control you have. I hope you reach your goal weight soon ( :

    ox

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  4. Thank you so much for the sweet comment... You helped me start my day with a smile. :)

    Today is fast day. Hooray, right? I'm sure it'll be tough, but I've got my eyes on the prize (so to speak) and I know Ana will help me along the way.

    I love your sneakiness. Ha. ;) I'm fortunate (at least at the moment) that although a few people do know about my ED, no one takes it seriously (as I'm still at a "healthy" weight...boo...) and I can get away with some pretty crazy stuff. Like not grubbing out with everyone else this morning on the homemade eggs benedict and english muffins that called to me from the kitchen. I'm trying vegetarianism. Veganism. Salt-free diet. Whatever I have to say, I can get out of whatever. My boyfriend knows I'm fasting, and he's supportive. I know, lucky me, right?

    Either way, I'll keep you in my thoughts throughout the day, both drawing on you for much-needed strength and sending out some positive energy your way as well. :D

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  5. i need as much self control as you. . .im a horrible 200 pounds. i hate it. im changing my life. . . been eating less and less for weeks. . .lost 15 pounds. and counting.

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