Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Thinking out loud...

It's raining in the city again...I forgot how rainy it is back at home. At school it's cloudy a lot of the time, but not downpourish. Anyways John and I are stuck in a little cyber cafe hiding out from the weather. I know I posted this morning, but thoughts have been moving frantically through my head ever since I last wrote, and I need to write again.

First things first...lunch was a success. It worked out perfectly, I couldn't have planned it better. John and I were seated in a covered picnic area (how the hell we managed to find a picnic area in the city is beyond me), the weather surprisingly warm for this time of year. I distributed the lunches between us and pulled my apple out first. I pushed my thumb into it and watched it ooze rotten apple guts. Holding it up to John I said "eww, yuck." He made a face and offered his apple to me for consolation. I shook my head, "I hate red delicious." He shrugged and took a bite.

I made my way over to a trashcan, walking slowly, weaving, enjoying the warm breeze (which would later turn into a near-hurricane haha), tossed the apple into a metal trashcan with a hollow *thunk* and walked back to John. Sure enough, he was already on his phone with Natalie his dearly beloved. I made a face at him and shooed him away, taking out my own phone pretending I was about to make a call. He got up and wandered about 30 feet away, laughing and kicking the grass as he went.

I instantly pulled apart my sandwich, leaving only a corner piece on my paper plate. I placed a few pieces of cereal on the plate to look like the last remains of my consumption. I wrapped up the remaining cereal in its bag, along with the sandwich, into a napkin and dashed over to chuck it all into a trashcan behind me. John never even turned around. He was on the phone for a good 20 minutes. Every time he turned, I held a piece of the leftover food to my mouth, pretending to bite. He came back with a grin on his face and dug in, barely glancing at my near-empty plate. He mumbled through mouthfuls about Natalie's Christmas at home and how much he missed her. I smiled, trying not to be jealous. Succesful relationships have never been my forte...but I'm glad my brother can do that in my stead. I'll stick to starvation.

Back to now...John is on his laptop across the table from me. I wonder what he's doing...but I won't ask. If I ask him then he'll ask me what I'm doing. And I can't exactly tell him. So we sit in silence, the only audible sounds are the faint tapping of our fingers against keys and cafe music mixed with rain pattering against the window.

Moving on...

I'm getting more and more scared of the impending events waiting for me at school (meaning the boy who wants to sleep with me - Shawn). Not only am I terrified of exposing my body, but this will be the first boy I've been with in any capacity since I left my last boyfriend, Jason. I don't think I was ready to leave him...but at the same time I had to. He knew about my eating disorder and he was trying to help me. He WAS helping me. I couldn't let it go on that way...

Then he seemed so far away all of the sudden. Every time I talked to him he was distracted. I know he's having a tough time of his own, his mom died of cancer around this time last year, maybe that was on his mind. I'm not sure. All I know is that I got distracted too. I lost sight of him.

I DO love Jason, with all my heart. I miss him so bad, it kills. I do like Shawn, but I'm scared to death to move on from Jason. But Shawn is a clean slate. He doesn't know about my eating disorder. He'll probably never suspect...especially if he sees my fat ugly body naked in his bed.

Why do guys always have fuck with your life? I should become a nun and fast for 7 years in penance for all my sins. If I was religious I would totally do it. But I can't imagine spending that much time in prayer. *shudder* I don't hate on religion or religious people, it's just not for me.

That is an idea though...an extended fast to cleanse my soul and memory. A final "I'm sorry," to Jason before my mind completely goes to pieces.

And thinness is just a great side-effect. I like it.

Rain's letting up, I'll talk to you all later.

~Kaye

The beauty of lies

I hauled myself out of bed at 6:30 this morning and prepared for the day. Like clockwork, at 7am I woke my brother up (twin brother...let's call him John) and packed both of our lunches. For him, I packed edible food - a bag of greasy gross potato chips, a sandwich with calorie-loaded mayonnaise slathered on, a giant apple, a bottle of gatorade (310 calories per 12 ounces!).

For me, I packed a small apple that had been in the bottom of our fridge for god-knows-how-long...it's all shrively and gross to the touch but it looks fine from the outside. My sandwich is on an icky fiber-whole wheat cardboard bread that I hate with a single piece of turkey on it. And I packed a little snackbag of cereal just for good measure. Cereal is in fact the bane of my existence, I hate it in almost every capacity. This lunch should not test my willpower at all. And if I have to "eat" any of it while I'm with John, I can pull out the apple, find to my dismay "oh no! It's rotten!" and make enough fuss that hopefully I can stall until he's distracted by something else. Then it's goodbye yucky sandwich and shitty cereal.

After I packed our lunches, John wolfed down a breakfast of toast and cereal as I watched from across the kitchen, sipping my calorie-free coffee. I only ever put sweetener in my coffee. No cream, the calories are unnecessary. John didn't comment on my lack of breakfast...nobody ever does.

We're on the bus now heading into the city, I'm on my faithful old laptop. My computer that nobody is allowed to see, loaded with thinspiration and pro ana blogs in my "Favorites" folder.

This feels so right...the precise planning and trick-work of lying your way to thin. It's only a matter of time now... ;)

~Kaye

Monday, December 28, 2009

Too easy

This all feels a little too easy...eating seems too natural today. I've dutifully eaten a lunch and now I'm drinking orange juice. Does it phase me that orange juice is 120 calories per cup? No...and this is my recovery talking. Some days it just seems so natural and easy to put food in my mouth and I keep hearing those little self-motivating phrases like "I allow myself to eat today" that you hear in the therapists' offices and in the hospital psych wards.

I want to go back to school! Home contains too many people eating normally. My trip into the city was delayed until later this week...not sure when we're going. So today I'm just stuck at home with my two brothers and they are munching away without a care in the world. We watched a movie together earlier and now they're playing xbox...typical boys.

I don't know what I'm going to do right now but today seems to be shot. I'll finish up a normal eating day and resume low-caloric intake tomorrow. I would love, love, LOVE to start a fast...but I don't know how well I'll be able to hide that. We shall see.

~Kaye

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Quiet smiles

I love feeling thin. Even if I'm not actually thin at this point, I love feeling light and empty. All I've eaten today was an apple and some burnt low-fat popcorn early this afternoon. Yesterday I had a dinner of some leftover Christmas dinner food and a 160 calorie vegetable soup. That was my only meal. Being home with the family for Christmas makes it a little bit harder, but my parents are used to me being out all the time so they don't watch my eating habits very carefully. I can't wait to get back to school...far away from here.

I'm so excited to have followers for my blog already! Thank you girls so much for reading, and understanding me. I feel so much stronger already.

Tomorrow I'll be out with my twin brother (also home from school) on a day trip into the city. I'm planning on packing a lunch, so he sees it, and then getting rid of it when he's distracted. It shouldn't be too hard...he'll probably get a call from his girlfriend or something around lunchtime and I can dispose of the dreaded food during his absence. He watched my eating a little more carefully, but not so much that I can't get away with things. He too, like everyone else, thinks I'm in recovery.

My greatest thinspiration at the moment is this boy I like at school. He wants to sleep with me, I know he does. We've talked about it. But he's literally a twig made out of rock. Tiny, slim, and all muscle. The thought of him seeing me naked terrifies me to no end...but at the same time I do want him. Basically, I have a matter of weeks before I go back to school to try and get as skinny as possible, just in case. And at school it's so much easier to live this lifestyle, I'll only keep getting skinnier.

In the meantime, everyone stay strong and work hard. Thin is worth it.

~Kaye

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen

Let me tell you my story.

I have been eating disordered since I was 14. First an over eater, then bulimic, then anorexic. The pressure was too much. Everything in my life screams that I need to be thin. The guys who want to fuck me are so skinny I can't stand the thought of being naked in front of them. It ruins my relationships. My family held an intervention for me some time back, and I nearly lost them when I refused help. I've had countless boyfriends come and go trying to help me get out of this. I cannot. I will not.

My highest weight ever was 170 lbs. I'm 5'9" and 19 years old. My lowest weight was 125 or so...2 years ago when I spent an entire winter starving and freezing myself into a size 3. I'm now somewhere in the middle of those two numbers, but I don't want to say exactly. I'm ashamed of how much I weigh since I've tried to eat again for my family and for my friends' sake. I've gained some of it back. Not enough to be the ugly fat whore I was before, but enough to wave goodbye to my skinny jeans and skin-tight knits.

I've experienced "help" and "recovery" and "healing" and all those empty phrases they use in the shrinks' offices. I've done my time in therapy and I thought it was a load of bullshit. I've even heard first-hand from anorexics who have "been there" and were telling me what a mistake I was making. But as far as I'm concerned, any anorexic who actually found recovery is no longer a part of my world. I can't relate to them because they found their way out...and they cannot relate to me because they don't understand why I haven't found mine yet.

I've been reading pro-ana blogs for a while, always inspired, always understanding. Posting comments anonymously, afraid to speak my mind. I think what drove me to start my own blog was the recent disappearance of Kat from "Quest for Perfection"...one of the best thinspirational blogs I ever read. Her blog was replaced with a half-baked message of recovery from her supposed sister Kate. I know Kat left for her own sake and for her sister, and I respect that. But in her leave we all need to find our own voices. I'm finding mine.

So here's hoping someone wants to read what I have to say. I'm tired of living a half-recovered, half-broken lifestyle. I want to wear thin like you wear a pretty dress (that's where I got the name for this blog)...showing thin off as your favorite outfit.

Wish me luck.

~Kaye