Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Kat's Back...???

I got a message from Kat...she's posted a new blog with a new URL. Since Kate has her old one I suppose. Wow? I'm kind of still in shock. But I know it's her...the way she writes is so unique. Anyways, I'm trying to get the word out. Post on your blogs too!

http://katproanaquest.blogspot.com

~Kaye

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Back again =)

Sorry I've been away so long, I didn't plan on the absence. Let me give you an update.

I got a roommate, her name is Lillian and she's really sweet. She's really skinny too...but she eats sooo much junkfood all the time it's insane. It's not fair in the least, and it's bad for me because it makes me feel okay about eating high-calorie junk with her. When she wants to go to the 7-Eleven for a slushie at 11pm, I go with her because I hate being alone.

It's funny, reading over my last few posts after all these months. I posted about how much I loved solitude, and now it seems like I was in denial. Like the guys who can't get a date and say they enjoy "flying solo." Or maybe it was because I was so dedicated to my eating disorder. Now that I've had a taste of normal in my life it's hard to think of giving it up. But the stark size difference between me and Lillian is starting to irk me. I have stayed at a steady weight for the past 2 months...but steady at how much I weigh is not good enough for me.

I've been throwing up a little lately...not enough to be full-out bulimic, but enough to say I'm dipping my feet into the world of EDs again. It's difficult after so much time out of practice...but I miss anorexia more. I'm planning on fasting tomorrow...I just hope I can actually do it and follow through. Especially when I come back to my dorm at night and find Lillian, her skinny ass on the couch and a bag of potato chips in her hand.

I've missed this, I'll try to keep everyone updated from now on!

xoxo

~Kaye

Monday, January 11, 2010

Planned

I've counted and measured and planned every calorie this week. Every single calorie. Down to the half-calorie per gram and fluid ounce. The only thing I didn't plan was liquid calories, I'll play those by ear. But I'll be consuming an after of 375 every day until next monday when I will plan the next week. This is a similar method to what I was doing 2 years ago, except now even more precise. I figure the more precise I get, the harder it will be to break out of my sysetm and binge. Like, if I went to all this trouble to calculate 72 calories in a sliced apple and measure out exactly 77 grams (100 calories) of white rice into little baggies, spread out over 7 days, then I will have worked too hard to fuck it up by binging.

I'm between classes right now, and all I've had today is a 10 calorie sugarfree redbull. AND I found out this morning that I've lost 7 lbs total since I started this blog! This is a huge achievement, more weight than I've been able to lose all summer. I'm pumped.

Later,

~Kaye

Awake

I'm back at school now...and already I can't sleep.

I don't have a roommate right now, and I love the solitude. I don't know what I'll do if I get one...it would be so hard to hide my eating disorder and in some ways, a roommate can be worse than a family when it comes to concern for my wellbeing. I had this girl last year who was always on my case about eating. Every fucking night she would grill me about what I had eaten that day. Most of the time I told half-lies, telling her I had eaten pizza when I had only taken half a crust from someone's leftovers. She saw through it though the smaller I got. She requested to not share a room with me this year for that reason. But like I said, I like it this way.

I love being able to go where I want, when I want. I love being able to sit up at 2 in the morning, drinking coffee and watching episodes of A&E's Intervention, the ones featuring anorexics. These girls are my heroes...partly because they succesfully got super skinny and partly because they were able to recover. Watching their habits is definitely enabling me to get worse, but that's my choice.

Classes start tomorrow, so I should be sleeping. But all I want to do is sit on the sill of my open window, smoking and kicking my feet to burn calories as the nicotine and coffee give me jitters. I'm not going to lie, I know I'm depressed. But this quiet environment of solitude and destruction and emptiness makes me happy. If not happy, content at least.

It's enough.

My dad cooked waffles for my brothers and me this morning, as a send-off before we returned to our various universities. I had 1 1/2 waffles and approximately 1 tbsp of lite syrup. 2 leftover raisin cookies and a snack of baby carrots. By 10:30 AM I was done eating and when I got to school, I promptly performed 30 minutes of aerobics and took a walk around campus for 2 hours. I burned about 600 calories...that should at least match my intake for the day. I'm kicking myself for not being more precise, but starting tomorrow I'm taking a log of everything I eat and the calories in it, something I've been slacking on since I got home from school.

I'm excited to get into a rhythm, a routine. I want numbers and notebooks and eating plans. My day planner is at the ready for studying and exercise. Now that I've recommited to weight loss, this should be easy and fun. Is it really so wrong of me to find comfort in an obsession with thinness? Everyone bashes girls with eating disorders for being stupid and miserable. But this is the one thing keeping me sane. How on earth is that miserable?

Stay strong everyone,

~Kaye

Friday, January 8, 2010

Letting Go

I've stopped fighting it. When I open the refridgerator to make myself a lunch and nothing looks good, I just close the door. When I make dinner for my family and don't want any for myself, I don't even try to come up with something. When most of the day has gone by and I realize I've only had 290 calories, I don't worry about it. My mind doesn't think "hmmm, maybe I should eat some more to live." No, instead I think, "good girl."

I'm going back to school this weekend and I cannot wait. You have no idea how simple it is to stay away from food, if one has the willpower. I just have to keep my head in the right place: on the single-track goal of thinness.

Down 2 pounds this week, may they never return.

~Kaye

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dying...living.

I just love it when life gets more complicated.

I ran into Jason today. At first I couldn't talk to him...I haven't seen him since before we broke up. I'll say this...I definitely broke up with him too soon. Yes we were having our issues and I have my eating disorder, but right now we are both exploding on the inside and we can both obviously see it in each other, but we won't do anything about it. It's like there's a paper-thin glass wall separating us, and neither of us has the strength to break it. What a joke.

I had 580 calories today and I'm going back to veganism. My skin always turns kind of gray when I cut out all meats and dairy, but it's worth it. So much less fatty fried temptation this way.
I'm home alone once again tomorrow, but I'm planning a rigorous workout routine to make it worthwhile. Nobody will be around to say I'm pushing myself too hard or being obsessive.

I feel like I'm dying a little every day I have to stay fat. Everywhere I go, mirrors are screaming at me to put a bag over my head, or even better, my whole body. Nobody should have to look at my horrific existence. People say that anorexia kills. Well I'm dying right now, every day the number on the scale stays the same.

Here's some thinspo...a girl I actually know from school. Is it creepy of me to be browsing her modeling photos? Perhaps, but she's a twig, so I'll blame it on my psychological fucked-upedness of having an eating disorder. Her thinness gets my attention, I can't help it.

~Kaye















Tuesday, January 5, 2010

700...2010.

700. A number dieters strive for, a number parents and doctors raise their eyebrows at. "Not enough," many people would say...if they knew that was how many calories I've had today.

Then why does it feel like a failure?

I've been doing this too long...1,000 calories is my limit, 2,000 is out of the question, 200 is a victory, and 700 is somewhere in the middle. 700 = blah.

I'm still floundering around in the same weight range. Stupid New Years, stupid groceries, stupid days home alone while everyone is at work and I'm stuck "vacationing" with the refrigerator. At the same time it's not that bad. My taste for many former binge-foods is subsiding rapidly...and it gets to the point where I open the fridge door and nothing looks appetizing. I was home alone the other day and actually decided to binge, like "this is my day," and I only ended up drinking iced tea and orange juice; eating cucumbers and white rice.

Happy 2010 everyone :)

Resolution time? I think so.

My resolution is this year is simple, as have my other ones been for the past few years. They all pertain to weight loss. Last year I vowed to reach a size 2 by summer. I fit a size 3 at my low point in April, then gained and haven't lost significantly since that time.

This year, I want to reach 120. By 2011, at some point, I have to have been 120 lbs. Maintaining that 120 would be so perfect. It's difficult for my height to reach that weight, but I feel that once it was on the scale I would fall in love so deeply that I would never be able to let that number go.

Here's a thinspo video I found for you all...



~Kaye